“Matters of Gravity”
WC: 477
© 2004-2006 Christine Louise Hohlbaum.
Things fall down in my house a lot. I'm not sure why, but I was thinking it might be time to alert NASA. They don't know it yet, but gravity is measured differently within the 110 square meters of living space we have in the house we rent in this Bavarian cow town. I am certain of one thing: there are more things on my floor than anywhere else in the entire Northern Hemisphere.
Playdoh, for instance, is found in inordinate amounts under my kitchen table. How did it get there?
Gravity.
Juice spills across the lunch table day in and day out. Why?
Gravity.
My eyelids are drooping. How could this be?
Gravity.
I imagine the toys under my living room furniture would not be there if it weren't for the Earth's gravitational pull. If we lived on the moon, the Tinker Toys my son played with last week would still be floating around the atmosphere. The legos he catapults across the room would have landed in Berlin by now. I would be wearing the smile I had at age 19, and my bosom would look as perky as my pre-children days. Lo! But we are not on the moon. We are in a rural town just north of Munich.
Housecleaning on the moon would be easy, I bet. Have crumbs? Toss them up and watch them reach Venus. Got dust? What’s a little moon dust among friends? Want clean windows? You don’t have sunshine on the moon. You know what I’m saying. Those evil sunrays that fracture the light just so to reveal the smears on your window panes don’t exist there.
We'd have permanent helmet head due to the astronaut suits. There would be, however, no need for shampoo, hair brushes or the like.
Recently, my son was jumping on the couch. As is his morning ritual, he was wearing not a stitch of clothing. Suddenly he cried out, "Poop, Mama!" I ran to our not-so-pristine white couch and grabbed him, shouting consoling phrases for him to "hold on!" I even held him upside down, thinking I could defy the despised gravitational pull. He did not make it; neither did my slipper which slid across the wood floor with the product of his concern.
To address such issues, we could purchase a device which simulates lunar gravity, which is roughly 1/6th of the Earth's pull. Can you buy a lunar gravity tent on eBay, I wonder? Gone to the highest bidder with three seconds to spare. That will be $346.28 please. Payable via PayPal…I'll let you know if it works. If it does, I may not be able to find my computer again. It might be floating to the next galaxy. No more hammering the keys to write inane thoughts. At least then, I can say with full confidence that I'm lost in space.
Christine Louise Hohlbaum, American author of Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff and SAHM I Am: Tales of a Stay-at-Home Mom in Europe, has been published in hundreds of publications. When she isn't writing, leading seminars or wiping up messes, she prefers to frolic in the Bavarian countryside near Munich where she lives with her husband and two children. Visit her Web site: http://www.DiaryofaMother.com.